If you own one of those old fashioned, double sided safety razors, you’ll have an excuse for at least some of the paraphernalia laying around when the cops bust the door down

These things run on regular razor blades, which are always handy to have around. I’m not saying that IF you have a razor blade and a mirror then your dicing up dope. What I am saying is that IF you’re dicing up dope, make sure you’ve got a shaving kit in the bathroom, keep it all in there. No cop in his right mind is gonna root through a shaving mug, with that disgusting horse hair brush and crusty soap, looking around for illicit substances. You want to try and blend in a little, and if you can’t do that, then try the old adage of hiding stuff in plain sight.

Did I mention that razor blades have many different, perfectly legal uses? Yeah, I’m sure there are plenty.

Go ask your grandparents. During World War II, people probably didn’t get new razor blades every time they scored something. I also remember having to use C.D. cases instead of mirrors or fancy plates, but that’s a whole other bottom of the barrel type story. I also know they’re always in gangster and drug movies.

It’s a proven fact that nobody cares what you’re really up to as long as you look respectable. So, that’s another good thing about the shaving kit… Oh, and fingernail clippers. Don’t forget ‘em. Unless you’re 9 years old, or the Unabomber, you ought to keep your nails clipped. It’s just a good habit to get into. Nobody wants to see where you were last week when you offer to lend them your ink pen to borrow.

Sideburns are not the Get Out Of Jail free card from when the Brady Bunch was on the air, but they do help!

Although a well-kept pork chop sideburn looks cool, it aint 1976 anymore. Most people with sideburns fall into a few groups, and only one of them is acceptable. You can decide which is which…

First off, you’re a rock star. If that’s the deal, then you’re not only allowed to have sideburns– you’re expected to have them. Second, you’re a loser trying to look like a rock star. This is not cool, not under any circumstances. Most people with sideburns these days fall into this category. Don’t shave them off or anything stupid like that. Just know that you are not as cool as you think you are. Sorry. Lastly, you have big sideburns because you don’t know any better. If this is you, then you’re almost as cool as the rock star. It’s an amazing thing to miss out on 4 decades of style. In fact, it’s commendable. If you can wake up in the 2020s, look yourself in the mirror, and know that a neatly kept chop on the side is what keeps you 50 years young, then by God, keep at it. You’re on the right track.

If someone says they’ll call you back tomorrow, they aren’t planning to call you back tomorrow

Listen, either they’ll tell you they love you or tell you to fuck off tonight. If someone has a problem saying either of those two things in the moment, they’re not gonna say it tomorrow. Count yourself lucky or cursed, depending; but don’t wait around for the phone to ring tomorrow. Go to work and forget about it. When and if they do happen to call you back, let it go to voicemail. A lesson for the ages… “I’ll have to call you back” is akin to “I really don’t give a shit about you.” It’s called rejection. Deal with it.

Never trust a toilet that kind of gurgles after flushing, especially if you’re on the top floor.

Bad plumbing is an understandable thing if you live in the basement. Up on top? I don’t see it. There’s no reason for the water to be moving around like that in the bowl. If you have a clean flush followed by anything other than silence, it’s time to evacuate. Whatever is coming next is not gonna be good. This applies to toilets as it does in life. When a person gets their start, you expect to get yelled at, to catch some shit. But, by the time you reach the top of middle management, or maybe if you’re lucky enough to become head fry cook, you shouldn’t have to suffer through that anymore. If someone marches back behind the counter, accusing you of overcooking the fries, after they already ate them, that’s not gonna turn out good for anybody. You’re better off to quit without notice, pack it up and move it out. Take your chances down the street. Fuck them and the extra napkins they asked for without leaving a tip for the waitress. 

Christmas time is best when you’re a kid, or at least if you have the day off from work the day after

I don’t drink anymore. Back when I did, with the exception of every day plus twice on Sundays, Thanksgiving and Christmas were the two best days of the year to drink. Unless you’re a clerk at a 24/7 convenient store, or the Pastor and have to narrate the Yuletide Cantata at church, it’s best to drink on Jesus’ birthday, preferably before noon. By the way, does anyone even go to church on Christmas cuz I haven’t been in probably 30 or so years. I think they quit doing that. Anyhow, you want to be full of festive cheer by the time the family rolls through the door. They’ll also be full of cheer (way too full of it most of the time).

The best way to always be a good sport is to act like you don’t give a fuck. The best way to act like you don’t give a fuck is to not give a fuck. Being fucked up helps in not giving a fuck. Hence, start imbibing early. Of course, the added bonus is not having to work the next day. But the double bonus is that you won’t be the asshole who calls in sick the day after. Instead, you’ll be the responsible guy who calls in sick on the 27th, maybe even the 28th too. It just looks better to miss the day after the day after a Holiday. End result is that by then- you’re boozing headlong into a 7-day weekend.

The Unrelenting Aftermath Of The Nearly Everything …

Either way, it’s always important to remember that, no matter how hard you try to stay oughta jail, sometimes it’s just a foregone conclusion. Even if you do a good job hiding the evidence, you might get hauled off. The same holds true for jobs that don’t work out, botched facial hair, bad phone calls, and exploding toilets. At some point, it’s time to count your losses, and plan to receive those blessings yet to come.

Speaking from good advice and experience, if you do end up in the can, or just down on your luck, you gotta plan carefully, and strike first. Confucius and Chuck Norris would both agree that your first move, after the de-lousing, is to put your clothes back on. Then, charge full on at the biggest guy in the cell block, barreling in like bull out of the chute.

Kick the big dude’s ass and nobody else will bother you.

Filed under: Do Not Try This At Home

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